I’m struggling.

For example: at work today, things just kept getting pulled apart further and further. Everything I touched turned to crap. I felt like I could not do anything right, and it pissed me off. I also felt like I was being walked on today. That REALLY pissed me off.

I finally figuratively threw my hands in the air and went outside to sit in the sun for a few minutes. Sadly, it was in the back by the dumpster. More sadly, I was relieved to be there rather than at my desk.

As I soaked up the rays, though, the thought occurred to me that I really wasn’t all that perturbed after all.

Huh?

But I was. (Wasn’t I?)

Then the picture solidified more, and it was as though I’d been working on a puzzle and the last piece was put into place today. The puzzle picture was of me sitting in a tiny row boat, in the middle of a raging storm, with a clear bubble all around me.

Part of me recognized that there was this massively insane hurricane-force storm swirling all around me. That was the outer layer of my emotions at the time.

The wiser part of me recognized that I was sitting safe, dry, and cozy within that little bubble that encompassed the row boat.  

I wasn’t sure how I could be both, but there I was experiencing it.. so I couldn’t argue it. Besides, I didn’t want to argue it.. it was such a relief!

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Tonight as I was taking the dog outside (because I seem to get ideas for topics I’d like to discuss at the most inconvenient times… I dunno… I just roll with it), I realized that I wanted to write about having almost lost my shit today. I’d just read Fabeku’s post about fear & having a ‘Lose Your Shit Kit’ (which is B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T), and was thinking that I need one for fear times, one for anger times, and one for frustration times. I feel all three on FAR too regular a basis for my own comfort. Ugh.

So then from that, I had another revelation… (I know… my mind jumps from topic to topic and makes leaps that seem totally out there) THIS is the real me & it’s also my tribe. I have been there (in the fear, and the anger, and definitely in the frustration) and done that (still doing them, actually) and I know what it takes to get from that to peace. I have to make the effort on a regular basis to get back into peace and out of that crappy FAF (shortening Fear, Anger, Frustration.. I have a feeling I’ll be using that more regularly soon) yuck and I know how to do it simply. Maybe not easily, mind you, but simply.

So now I know for sure that I’m not interested in working with airy-fairy light lovlies; I’m sure they’re fabulous with their own tribe. However. I’m interested in working with real, gritty, HONEST people who are sick and tired of feeling shitty. I want to work with people who have been in that hurricane, and are over it. They want to experience the bubble of calm. They know it’s in there (because it’s there for all of us… everone calls it something different, that’s just the visual that came up for me.. but whatever.. it’s the experience), and dammit they’re tired of being blown around by life’s wind.

Oh I do love gaining clarity around something that has been blurry for me.

Anyone else had that kind of calm within the storm feeling? Something that literally just overtook you in that way? Share it with us…

in gratitude,

angel