Being Real | An Experiment In Gratitude

January 29, 2011 By Angel 5 Comments

Wow… so I just realized that it’s been a while since I last said ‘hey’ to you fantabulous folks.

So….

“Hey”

Yeah…

Well I guess the least I can do is to let you in on a piece of what’s happening and keeping me ever-so-busy lately….

The Big News:

*I’m in the finishing stages of getting “An Experiment In Gratitude: 30 days to a meaningful shift from frustration to flow” ready to launch. Pushing for February 1st (which is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER… oh my…). Feeling some major fear and resistance with this, primarily because I love this experiment. Love. This is the thing that started it all… AEIG would not be here had I not had enough of my own shit and decided to DO SOMETHING about it. (And so, if it flops… if none of you fantabulous folks actually buy it well then.. that’s going to totally suck and I’m going to feel like a major loser. Failure. Fear. Yuck.)

*At least equally exciting… I’ve got a confession to make. I’m not quite ready to spill the beans on the confession itself, suffice it to say… the confession will discuss some truths that I’ve been hiding for a while now. It’ll also let out some bits about the changes that are upcoming for An Experiment In Gratitude… and for me. (Super secret…. shhhhh for now!)

Ok, I think that just about covers it. Back to work for me…

What’s keeping you busy these days?

Filed Under: Being Real, Transitions

January 21, 2011 By Angel 12 Comments

Is it just me, or are things very roller-coaster-ey lately?

Some days I feel on top of the world here recently. Other days, well dammit, not so much. Today I’m feeling a bit like it’s all falling apart around me.

It sucks.

Last night and this morning were particularly crappy. I emotionally vomited all over everyone within reach and then felt about 2 inches tall for having done so.

Driving in to work I was considering this and thinking that it’s my own damn fault. I haven’t done any kind of formal gratitude practice in about forever (aside from the last two days when I’ve been desperate). I keep focusing on all the places that feel shitty, and painful, and sharp.

I started thinking about how to ‘fix this’ and fix it quick.

I feel like it’s time to go back to the basics.

For me, that means going back to my morning meditations (or any kind of quiet, and introspective time in the morning). It also means getting back into the routine of daily gratitude journaling NO MATTER WHAT.

I keep finding myself here, starting over yet again. It’s seriously getting old.

I know what to do.

I know how to do it.

I know why I need to do it.

So what the hell is holding me back here?

Me.

Just me.

As usual.

Good thing I’m a stubbon bull. Back on the horse we go.

Are you feeling that things seem roller-coaster-ey lately too? How are you handling it?

Filed Under: Being Real, Gratitude, Simplicity

January 17, 2011 By Angel 10 Comments

I find it incredibly amazing that I can go from “I’m-in-it-full-tilt” to “holy-shit-what-am-I-doing?” all within a mere matter of moments.

How does that happen?

More importantly, how the hell do I get out of it and back into some freaking faith already?

How weak must my faith be if it’s so easily trampled and forgotten in the shadows of doubt that plague my mind?

Why is this coming up RIGHT NOW in at least two different (and seemingly unrelated) areas of my life??

Obviously, there is a lesson to be had here… and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let it all go without finding the lesson. I do NOT want to be back here again any time soon.

So, I’m on the hunt.

What do you do when you have a crisis of faith (in any area of your life… business, relationships, money, spirituality, etc…)? Do you dig in and go through it (whatever ‘it’ is) or do you hide out and wait for the storm to pass? What works best for you? What doesn’t work at all?

Not looking for advice, but I’d really love to know what you do when you find yourself here… Please do share.

Filed Under: Being Real, Transitions

January 15, 2011 By Angel 10 Comments

The truth is, I freaking LOVE dragonflies, and love the thought that they’re fairies in disguise. This past summer after we had a pool put in, I noticed that there were dragonflies EVERYWHERE. Not only that, they were massive. Seriously, the largest I’d ever seen. They were magical looking, and they were all over the place in my very own back yard. Sweet.

The truth is, I hate wasting time. Watching TV and/or watching a movie feel to me like wasting time. Offer me a comfy place for a nap, though, and you’d better get the Sam Hill out of the way because I WILL trample you to get to it.

The truth is, growing up sucked. I knew I was different from ‘all the other kids’, and they never wasted a chance to remind me, either. The harder I tried, the worse it was. It took me a long time to realize that. A long time, and a shitload of pain. Kids can be such assholes when you’re growing up.

The truth is, I never wanted to be a parent. (And even now, I sometimes wonder how I got here… 13 years and two kids later….) I love the Ben Folds song called ‘Still Fighting It’. It speaks to both this and to growing up.

The truth is, I can be a really ugly person. (I’m also very interested in constant growth and self-development… I’ve learned, though, that it must come from a place of self-acceptance only… not from an “I’m broken and must be fixed” place… otherwise, it never sticks.)

The truth is, I’ve learned to be hard and self-protective through the years and it’s freaking scary ass shit to let down those walls & show people who I really am (especially after having learned SO CLEARLY that I’m not acceptable to others as I am and need to hide the ‘bad’ parts of me in order to receive love).

It’s also true that underneath all those hard crusty walls, there’s a soft and delicate me wrapped in dragonfly wings and dancing in sparkling fairy dust and sunlight. I adore her. I miss her intensely sometimes. (I’m also embarrassed to even admit that she’s there…. And that makes me sad. And pisses me off.)

The truth is, I know I’m alive on this planet right now for a reason. It feels like it’s taken an inordinately long time for me to figure out what that reason is and to begin to act on it.

The truth is, I’m not one of those nice-y nice-y people. (Even more, they generally annoy the living shit out of me.)

The truth is, I’m multi-faceted and complex… I’m full of paradox. I sometimes curse like a sailor (and when I do, I FULLY enjoy it), and I also believe in and am reaching for Spirit. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and where I am right now.

Just. Like. You.

What is the truth about a bug called: you?

Filed Under: Being Real

January 15, 2011 By Angel 4 Comments

there is a small voice within

(small only in size, not in power)

screaming with rage

at the injustice of it all

*********************

like a needy child;

an infant, furious that her hunger was allowed

to get so out of control

that her body has begun digesting itself

*********************

this voice has been silenced repeatedly

by logic (spoken in reasonable tones)

and by those who “only want what’s best for you…

because we love you, honey”

**********************

this voice was never heard when it was time

to make final decisions

that would determine the course

of the rest of this life

**********************

and so she screams

with the hope

that one day

she will be heard.

Filed Under: Being Real, My Poetry

December 23, 2010 By Angel 9 Comments

I keep seeing these “‘xx’ things you don’t know about me” popping up around the interwebs and think they’re so interesting… I love that they give folks a chance to know the person behind the blog a bit in a way that otherwise would not likely happen… So I’m putting this out there myself to see how it goes.

And so… here we go:

1: I was born on an army base

2: I was a Cisco Certified Network Associate until this past fall

3: My favorite outfit in high school was a sweatshirt, shorts, and birks (or the fake ones from Payless) with soft comfy socks…. (don’t start…)

4: My all-time favorite movie is The Matrix

5: I LOVE Hemalayaa and her Bollywood dance dvd’s

6: I am learning that I’ve got a somewhat serious self-confidence problem (as in: lack of)

7: The best candle ever is Trapp’s ’Sexy Cinnamon’. Not kidding. Found one in a cute little shop in St Armand’s Circle (Sarasota, FL) a while back, and Fell. In. Love. Have been ordering from a favorite online retailer since. (My husband got me 10 of them for Christmas! Oh, and two of the Orange Vanilla, which are also fabulous).

8: We have a small dog. I’m not a huge fan of small dogs. I was reminded of just how true this is while helping out with my parents dog (she’s a ‘real’ dog… a Yellow Lab), who is a beast. I love big dogs.

9: I can’t stand asymmetry. Anywhere I am, if I see a picture or something that’s hanging crooked… I *must* fix it.

10: My first job was at a jeans store called County Seat. I spent a lot of time folding jeans ‘correctly’ while there. I now really dislike seeing jeans that are not folded correctly and lined up just so. (In my own closet or in any store)

11: I have the best aunties in the world. We don’t live geographically closely, and I REALLY miss them.

12: I do NOT miss the Ohio weather and living there.

13: My husband and I got married on a beach in Hawaii. All by ourselves. We came home and shared pictures and stories with everyone else. It was absolute perfection in its simplicity. (I also had my first chopper ride there, over the volcanoes.)

14: I love to meditate but find that I *talk* about it more than I *do* it… (which totally doesn’t help in the same ways at all).

15: I’d forgotten how much I love to write, and how much I love to dance. I’m remembering both experientially now.

16: There is a large part of me that loves all things that some might consider ‘woo-woo’ (energy healing, crystals and stones, chakra balancing, living by intuition, sound healing, tarot cards -Osho Zen deck ROCKS.. they are gorgeous in a way that others just aren’t, vision boards, affirmations, color therapy, having written conversations with Spirit, and about a million other things) and I’m just over worrying about what someone else might think of me for it since, you know, I’m in IT and supposed to be super-’logical’ and all that crap.

17: I keep thinking about going raw, and am scared that I’ll miss the foods I love too much to sustain it. I’m also afraid of the junk that my body and cells would finally release (physically and emotionally) if I really committed and did it.

18: I really hate to cry. Especially in front of anyone else. A little while back, two members of my family lost two babies within a short time of each other and even then I tried to hold it in until I was alone. I still cry for them when I’m alone.

19: One of my primary motivating factors is the fear of death. Not so much the fear of death itself I guess… but the fear that I will have wasted this life by not having done what I came here to do before I die. I do not want to look back and feel that engulfing regret because I wasted it all.

20: I’m an INFP & HSP. It’s difficult for me to be around a bunch of people all day, especially if I don’t know them and/or feel really known & accepted by them. It’s totally draining to me. I love being alone and in silence. Ahhhh…

Ok, there you have it. Wondering if any of this will even be of interest to anyone else. I suppose that it was an interesting exercise for me either way…

Would love if you’d be willing to share some things about you that others don’t know… Feel free to talk back via the ‘comments’ and let me know!

Filed Under: Being Real, Fun

December 20, 2010 By Angel 5 Comments

I love this silence. It doesn’t drown out those chicken-shit voices in my head, but they’ve been given their pink slip anyway.

Seriously. Screw those voices and all that they stand for. I am better than that. I am brave & strong, and iridescent in my own lovely ways. I am real and grounded, and cared for. I am solid & strong but also graceful and free. I contain within me both the dark and the light, which is as it should be.

It is perfect just like that.

I am lovable & someone that people want to know. I am capable and intelligent (and a grumpy-ass sometimes too).

I can loosen up & have more fun. Go-with-the-flow. Let the real me come out & play more often (ALL THE TIME… what’s the harm?!?!). I can breathe & relax. Release. Let go. Stop clenching so damn hard & tightening up so damn much. LET IT GO. For Gods sake! (For my sake).

Color. I need more color & juicy creativity in life. No more withholding & suffocating in this oxygen-restricted existence. No more staleness…. I’m ready for the breath of life to come to this dry, dusty world of mine.

Relax.

Breathe.

Relax.

Breathe.

YES!

And laugh… oh yes, that’s nice and juicy… Have more fun!

I am: shifting, growing, loving, learning, opening, developing, aspiring, reaching, doing, DONE.

Yes.

Filed Under: Being Real, Creativity, Fun

October 18, 2010 By Angel Leave a Comment

I’m struggling.

For example: at work today, things just kept getting pulled apart further and further. Everything I touched turned to crap. I felt like I could not do anything right, and it pissed me off. I also felt like I was being walked on today. That REALLY pissed me off.

I finally figuratively threw my hands in the air and went outside to sit in the sun for a few minutes. Sadly, it was in the back by the dumpster. More sadly, I was relieved to be there rather than at my desk.

As I soaked up the rays, though, the thought occurred to me that I really wasn’t all that perturbed after all.

Huh?

But I was. (Wasn’t I?)

Then the picture solidified more, and it was as though I’d been working on a puzzle and the last piece was put into place today. The puzzle picture was of me sitting in a tiny row boat, in the middle of a raging storm, with a clear bubble all around me.

Part of me recognized that there was this massively insane hurricane-force storm swirling all around me. That was the outer layer of my emotions at the time.

The wiser part of me recognized that I was sitting safe, dry, and cozy within that little bubble that encompassed the row boat.

I wasn’t sure how I could be both, but there I was experiencing it.. so I couldn’t argue it. Besides, I didn’t want to argue it.. it was such a relief!

****************************************************************************************

Tonight as I was taking the dog outside (because I seem to get ideas for topics I’d like to discuss at the most inconvenient times… I dunno… I just roll with it), I realized that I wanted to write about having almost lost my shit today. I’d just read Fabeku’s post about fear & having a ‘Lose Your Shit Kit’ (which is B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T), and was thinking that I need one for fear times, one for anger times, and one for frustration times. I feel all three on FAR too regular a basis for my own comfort. Ugh.

So then from that, I had another revelation… (I know… my mind jumps from topic to topic and makes leaps that seem totally out there) THIS is the real me & it’s also my tribe. I have been there (in the fear, and the anger, and definitely in the frustration) and done that (still doing them, actually) and I know what it takes to get from that to peace. I have to make the effort on a regular basis to get back into peace and out of that crappy FAF (shortening Fear, Anger, Frustration.. I have a feeling I’ll be using that more regularly soon) yuck and I know how to do it simply. Maybe not easily, mind you, but simply.

So now I know for sure that I’m not interested in working with airy-fairy light lovlies; I’m sure they’re fabulous with their own tribe. However. I’m interested in working with real, gritty, HONEST people who are sick and tired of feeling shitty. I want to work with people who have been in that hurricane, and are over it. They want to experience the bubble of calm. They know it’s in there (because it’s there for all of us… everone calls it something different, that’s just the visual that came up for me.. but whatever.. it’s the experience), and dammit they’re tired of being blown around by life’s wind.

Oh I do love gaining clarity around something that has been blurry for me.

Anyone else had that kind of calm within the storm feeling? Something that literally just overtook you in that way? Share it with us…

in gratitude,

angel

Filed Under: Being Real, Transitions

October 14, 2010 By Angel 3 Comments

Just read this blog post & had a revelation:

I, too, can acknowledge my own issues before having a difficult conversation (and feel TOTALLY differently about the entire thing).

It seems silly to me to write about this now, but I’m telling you when I read this I felt another of those ‘Doh!’ moments… (The first today was when I read this post – Andrea seriously rocks. If you’re not already familiar with her, I strongly encourage you to check out her site & blog!). This was especially poignant for me today because I’ve been calling out to Spirit to help me figure out why I keep figuratively banging my head against the wall in various areas (and as I mentioned here, I firmly believe that when you ask for an answer and watch the ‘road signs’, they will come).

There have been a few things that I’ve been waiting for (in both business, and personal life… one of those is my Droid X. Seriously, cross your fingers for me, ‘k??), and any time I’m waiting for something… well, let’s just say that I’m the type to sit impatiently tapping my fingers on my desk & watching the second hand on the clock. (To anyone who says patience is a virtue… I call bullshit).

Really, my big thing is the not-knowingness of it all. If I know:

a) exactly what I’m expecting, specifically.. and

b) when, specifically, I’m expecting it..

then I’m in great shape. However.. when either of the above is missing, I’m a mess (and I tend to make those involved a bit of a mess with my tapping… )

Ugh.

So, in reading this today (and after pondering, for days, about how to best resolve these issues I keep running into) it was a fabulous litte shot. It didn’t feel good initially, but I know it’s going to make me feel all better in the end.

Now.. I’m resolving to change up my take on these difficult conversations that I may need to have (along with any others which will, inevitably, come up from time to time). I’m going to get myself in gratitude for something revolving around the situation, and envision my ideal outcome.. then I’m going to remind myself that the other person is, indeed, another person (and as such, has feelings just like me!)… and only then will I move forward with the conversation.

My bet is that this is going to entirely change things up for me, as far as these conversations go…

What’s your take on the subject? (Talk back in the comments.. or join the chatter on Facebook)

in gratitude,

angel

Filed Under: Being Real, Spirituality

October 8, 2010 By Angel 1 Comment

Am I the only one who’s really over reading all the ad’s and offerings out there talking about the next big ‘secret’…. the next ‘magic pill’???

“Buy this product/service and without ANY EFFORT WHATSOEVER you’ll be a millionaire in 7 days!!!”

Puh-lease.

I mean, really… do we not know yet that most anything worth doing is likely going to require some effort on our (read: your) part?!?! Is anyone still really buying this stuff?

Now I’ll admit it… I bought ‘The Secret’. Twice (long story, will save it ). I have a copy of the DVD and a copy of the audio book. I’m not ashamed (really). Do I buy into everything in the movie… ehhh, no. Do I think any of it has merit… hell yes.

What gets my goat (where in the world did that phrase come from, anyway?? Is anyone nerdy enough to find out and comment??? Normally I’d do it, but I’m on a roll here, and besides… I’m curious as to whether anyone else will reply ) is folks out there who want to just wish upon a star and then sit upon their buttocks. That’s just being lazy; there is nothing spiritual in that. At all.

Now I definitely buy into communion with Spirit leading to inspired action. I fully believe that if one takes a question/concern to Spirit, and then ‘listens’, in meditation and in daily life, that one will absolutely be guided in the right direction. Will this magically manifest what it is you’re looking for each and every time? I don’t think so.

Spirit has a much larger perspective over life here on this small blue thing called Earth. I keep finding lately (as if for the first time) that life is SO MUCH MORE FUN when I let Spirit take the wheel. I’ve always been afraid that it would be the opposite. Funny that I had to learn the hard way, repeatedly, before I finally got it.

I also finally get that with some effort on my part, things tend to happen for me. That’s not to say that I’m a big proponent of the ‘push, push, push’ philosophy either; if allowed to run amuk that can lead to some serious burn-out.

Again, I believe if Spirit is allowed to drive I’ll know what I need to do. I may need to do nothing but wish upon that star then watch for the ‘road signs’. Then again, I may also need to get up from my seated position and put in some effort

What’s your take? Talk back!

in gratitude,

angel

Filed Under: Being Real, Spirituality